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Towards Parenthood: Preparing for the Changes and Challenges of a New Baby

By Jeannette Milgrom, Jennifer Ericksen, Bronwyn Leigh, Yolanda Romeo, Elizabeth Loughlin

Towards Parenthood has grown out of the work of the Parent - Infant Research Institute (PIRI), a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to improving the emotional well-being of parents and infants. This guidebook aims to assist parents manage the complex demands of parenting. An additional aim is to strengthen the couple relationship and the relationship between parents and infants. Skills in coping, problem-solving, enhancing self-esteem, assertive communication, bonding with your baby and understanding your baby's cues are presented in this book. The program has been extensively piloted with Australian families. Focus groups have been conducted and the program has been revised to incorporate their feedback. Overall, parents who were involved in the program told us they both enjoyed and gained from it.

Contents

Preface vii

Acknowledgements xi

About the authors xii

Chapter 1 Towards motherhood 1

Getting to know your baby—a growing experience 1

Tuning in to your baby 2

Common feelings for the ‘mother-to-be’ 3

The ‘inside story’—feelings after birth 4

Who nurtures you? 5

What do babies need? 6

Where did you learn to be a mother? 7

My family, myself 8

Identifying ‘what belongs where’ 10

Looking forward … learning and loving through play 11

Some things to think about in the last months of pregnancy 12

Chapter 2 Towards fatherhood 15

Beginnings and changes on the road towards fatherhood 15

The birth experience 16

Connecting with your baby 17

Where did you learn to be a father? 18

Your strengths 20

Looking forward … learning and loving through play 21

The stress of fatherhood! 22

Do ‘real men’ ask for help? Who nurtures dad? 23

Breastfeeding: not your problem! Or is it? 24

What have other new mums told us they want from their partners? 26

iv Contents

What men say about moving towards fatherhood … 26

Focus on mental health 27

Chapter 3 We’re expecting! Preparing for parenthood 31

Changing body, changing lives 31

Let’s take a closer look … 31

Parents’ expectations 34

Quiz—Get real! 36

Plan ahead to make life easier 37

Problem solving—what will you do when things get tough? 38

Every problem has a solution! 38

Being realistic 41

Chapter 4 Caring for yourself is caring for your baby 43

Self-care and stress 43

How do you cope? 44

Inherited coping strategies 44

My coping models 44

Self-care and stress busters 45

Life stress—how do you rate? 45

Life events 46

Common problems for new parents 50

Self-esteem 53

What are the advantages of high self-esteem? 54

How do you build your self-esteem? 54

Chapter 5 From lovers to parents: managing relationship changes 57

A closer look at how relationships work 58

Communication 58

What kind of parenting partnership do you want? 59

How you grew up! 61

Your parents’ relationship 62

Other influences 63

Assertiveness skills for new parents! 65

How assertive do you like to be? 65

How do you recognise assertiveness? 66

What’s your style? 67

Let’s practise! 69

Contents v

Intimacy 70

Little acts of kindness 72

Let’s be practical—who will do what? 73

Let’s swap jobs for a day! 76

Chapter 6 Keeping some balance in your life 79

The importance of balance 80

Identify your rewards! What makes you happy as a person? 80

Noticing how your activities can influence your mood 81

Beware the downward spiral 82

Addressing the balance: making order out of chaos 83

Coping with anxiety 85

Identifying your coping style 86

Are you a constructive coper? 87

Focus on mental health 88

Chapter 7 Healthy thinking, healthy self 91

How do you think? 91

The interaction between thoughts, feelings and behaviour 93

Sampling your thoughts 94

Other examples of thoughts 95

Changing negative thinking: avoid thinking traps! 95

Breaking free of your thinking traps 97

Let’s rehearse! Practising cognitive strategies 98

Using a thought diary 101

Chapter 8 Caring for your newborn baby 105

Understanding newborn babies 105

Sleeping like a baby 106

Sleeping tips for your newborn 107

Settling quiz 110

Cry, baby, cry … 111

Activity … 111

Why does my baby cry? 111

Tips to understand crying 112

Learning to listen to your baby 112

Play suggestions for young babies 113

Feeding your baby 114

vi Contents

Common breastfeeding problems 116

Bottle-feeding 119

What are your preferences? 120

Let’s have a ‘dress rehearsal’! 121

Chapter 9 Welcome to ‘The Club’! 125

For mum—accepting the birth 125

Nobody told me! Reality meets expectations … 127

Back to basics! Brainstorming problems 128

The six steps to problem solving 128

Who is this little stranger? Getting to know your baby 129

Growing together through play 130

What babies need 130

Coping with negative feelings 131

Check your ‘self-talk’ 132

A balancing act: your relationship and parenting partnership 133

What have you noticed in your relationship? 134

Taking action: what do you need to do to communicate? 135

Appendices 137

References 141

Further reading 143

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